SNOHOMISH, WA - In a mind-bending discovery that could put H.G. Wells to shame, businessman and self-proclaimed Time Photographer, Jared M. Burns, has unveiled an astonishing breakthrough in the art of photography. Burns claims to have stumbled upon a peculiar contraption during one of his late-night eBay escapades - a $7000 piece of equipment from overseas that allegedly allows him to capture moments in the past.
"This ain't your grandma's camera," Burns quipped while adjusting his fedora and twirling an imaginary time-traveler's mustache. "I like to call it the 'TemporalSnapper.'"
According to Burns, the manual for the TemporalSnapper - translated from an ancient, obscure dialect only decipherable to multilingual parrots - outlines its use of time-flip technology, chrono-cogs, and quantum hamsters (don't ask) to create images that transcend the constraints of spacetime.
"It's all about nailing the 'when' as well as the 'what' in the exact same moment," Burns explained with a sly grin. "You know you've done it when the image starts whispering 'tick-tock'."
But here's the kicker that will excite most: Families who have their portraits made by Burns today will then in five, ten, or twenty years be able to revisit their yesteryears each and every time they view the mind-boggling time image.
Naturally, our skeptical minds couldn't resist probing deeper into this temporal enigma. We summoned the Jenkins family to be part of a live demonstration. As Burns snapped a portrait of the Jenkins, the beautiful family moment was converted into time art right before our very eyes. Within seconds, the family also reviewed the temporal image for themselves, and the youngest daughter, Emma, exclaimed, "Mom, Dad, that is me from just a moment ago!"
"It's like magic, but tangible magic we can hang on our wall!" muttered Mrs. Jenkins in a distant tone of wonder.
And if you think this all sounds too fantastical to be true, we've got the science to back it up. Documenting every single step, a team of researchers from MIT had Burns create a portrait of them using the TemporalSnapper. Just two hours later, when Burns revealed the results, the scientists confirmed they were indeed seeing two hours into the past.
Word is spreading fast about Burns' time-warping talents, and the quaint town of Snohomish is buzzing with newfound excitement. Client after client validates Burns' claims with similar stories of how he made it possible for each of them to jump the time barrier to the past.
All of our best attempts to get our hands on the TemporalSnapper were foiled. Further study and reverse engineering will not be possible. Burns never lets it out of his sight, nor will he provide any hints as to how it really works.
So there you have it, dear readers - a one-of-a-kind mechanical device that can whisk you away to the good ol' days in a snap, all for the price of a decent used car. Who needs a phone booth or a Tardis when you've got Jared M. Burns and his wonderous TemporalSnapper? He may not have a Ph.D. in theoretical physics, but he's definitely earned a degree in Temporal Imagery.
Now the past is only a pixel away!
Temporal results are 100% guaranteed or your money back!
Disclaimer: Time Travel is dangerous and The Snohomish Gazette urges readers to exercise extreme caution with any device claiming to be a TemporalSnapper. Previous owners of the TemporalSnapper who dared to use it on their own discovered they themselves were missing from the resulting family image.
